November 6, 2018
What do I want my story to be? Last night, Kirby and I watched the movie “The Age of Adeline”, about a girl who had gotten in an accident and could no longer get older. In her story, you see how short and fleeting our lives on earth truly are. How quickly time goes by. It’s really had me thinking. What story do I want my life to tell? Is what I’m doing now reflective of that?
If I’m being honest with myself, no. It’s funny, Kirby and I are often questioned about what exactly we do and where God has us right now. It’s normally followed with responses like “wow, you guys are living the life!” or “wow, rough life living in Florida”. I found myself rolling my eyes in my mind because to me, l didn’t see anything glamorous at all.
In my eyes, when I looked at our life, I saw the adversity we’ve faced behind the scenes that only a handful of people knew about, the disappointments, the hurt, the unknowns, the sacrifices, fear, moving a lot, the continual long days of working, putting every ounce of energy we have working towards a dream. The real gritty stuff.
After watching the movie last night, God convicted my heart that my perspective has gotten out of alignment. At church this morning, God continued to speak to me. Everything I just mentioned has been much of our story for the past two years. Don’t get me wrong there has been a lot, A LOT of good things, for which I’m so thankful for…but my point is, sometimes the tough times can stick with you, and eventually you realize you’re wearing it like a mink cloak. And it’s heavy.
I’ve worked myself to the bone trying to keep up with everything, to manage everything perfectly, to get it all done….because once it’s all done, I can rest. THEN I can then do all the things I love that I’ve been putting off. I can workout more. I can write more. I can go on more runs. Cook more. And, I can get back to spending more time with God (yikes). But the thing is, that time never comes. Because as soon as you think you’re on the brink, something else comes up and that empty space on your calendar gets filled. That’s life. New challenges, new commitments, new problems to solve, new opportunities.
The unfortunate thing for me, is I have always been very self disciplined through school and college and would deny myself fun until the work was all done, completely. I didn’t realize that in the real world, the work is never done…especially when you own your own business. There’s no final, no end of semester. There is always more you could be doing, and that’s overwhelming to me. It made me sad feeling like there was no end, thus I would never have fun again. Dramatic, but truly how I felt!
It’s really hard for me to write this out because it feels so raw to see this on paper – well, my computer screen. But it’s also freeing in a way. I hate that my story has become that of a frantic, burnt out, victim. That’s not the story I want to have or tell, or live out for a second longer.
Tonight I’m intentionally shedding the cloak that God never intended me to put on. I silence and bind the voice of the enemy and things I’ve intentionally or unintentionally come into agreement with. Here is what I’m nailing to the cross:
- Fear of the Future and Unknown
- Bitterness and Anger
Is the path you’re on now reflective of the life you want? Is it on track to write the story you want your life to tell? If you’re not, you’re in good company – let’s start together.